My Buttocks Itch

Tyronius Yvonne Baines, Spring Break 1988

I have been friends with Ty Baines since August of 1986 when we had English together at Choctaw High School. Ok, I'm not going to count how many years that is. Through thick and thin and not a few years of non-communication, he's one of those rare people that you can talk to after 5 years and it makes no difference.

I like to think that I have some of the funniest pictures of Ty in existence. And I like to think that I've been there for some of his most amusing moments. Like this one.

One night during Spring Break, Ty and TJ picked me up with what I remember to be a quite revolting Godfather's Pizza. Godfather's was between them and me and also between me and the beach. So it was a great plan not only to (a) forget to ask the cute girl of the party what SHE liked on her pizza but to (b) pick it up first so that it was appetizingly warm and um...yeah. We were 16.

So, we drive out to the Officer's Beach Club on Okaloosa Island. It wasn't exactly allowed, and the MPs could have sent us packing, but I don't think I ever got caught down there. We ate the pizza, or at least they did. I don't remember what on earth made Ty decide to take a running leap into the sand of the volleyball court, but he did. And it sand swimming was born.

If you can imagine a 6 and a half foot guy down in the sugar white sand of the Florida Panhandle, diving and doing the breaststroke, then flipping over for a little floating, well you've got what made the night so darned fun. But I'm not sure I'd have really remembered it save for the utterly DUH! moment that followed.

Around the time this picture was taken, Ty uttered, in a very pompous "British" accent that only a Lower Alabamian could pull off: "My Buttocks. Itch."

The good thing about these beaches? Yeah, the sand really is that white and than fine. The bad thing? It gets into all the spots powdery stuff THAT fine will get into when you don't want it to. And when you spend 10 minutes flailing around in it? Well, it's no wonder that to this day I like to quote this back to Ty.

I say this all because Cinco de Mayo is the 38th birthday of my dearest Tyronius. Which means I've known him for WELL over half my life. It finds him with an awesome wife, an adorable son, a kick ass job. Which is why I hope someone finally gets him some damned ointment!