Friends don't let friends drive bulldozers ripped on acid

Source: Bumper sticker spied last week

I am not getting old. I've always been blind as a bat...or I've been headed this way progressively since around 1984. It probably started before that, but that's when I got glasses. My doctor used to tease me about being an overachiever in the blindness category...except I've got EXCELLENT vision compared to the momster. I also have some semblance of depth perception, but only compared to her. It scares everyone else.

Anyway, the reason I say this is that I HATE tiny writing on bumper stickers. I love bumper stickers. They're often witty and make me smile. But if you care enough to put them on your car, make them big enough for people to read.

Here's what happens, for instance, when you put this cute one on the back of your white Ford Explorer. I spy it, then get engrossed in trying to read what it says (because upon first reading, I MUST have gotten it wrong, right?). So I get a little closer and a little closer. Next thing you know, you think I'm trying to cut you off while we're merging and your passenger extends his much-tattooed arm out the adjoining window and gives me the one fingered salute.

Now, I'm sure I must have been given the bird at SOME point in the 15 1/2 years I've lived in this fair city. Or more precisely, I must have been given it while driving by someone I don't know. But I'll be darned if I remember it. It was quite shocking. I found myself wanting to catch up with them and apologize and compliment them on the bumper sticker. WTF? Since when does this nice Southern Belle not respond in kind to such a rude gesture???

All I'm saying is that it's not me. It's you.

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Cool Hand Luke

I have a secret shame. I don't like classic movies. You know, the ones you're supposed to have seen because they're cultural touchstones? Too often, by the time you sit down to see them 30 years after they've been released, you already know pretty much everything you need to know about the movie. Deliverance? Well, I already knew Ned Beatty needed to squeal like a pig. Soylent Green? Yeah, it's people. Midnight Cowboy? Sorry, still don't know what the point of that was...the list goes on. Screwball comedies? Bring 'em on. Musicals? Hell ya! ANYTHING with Cary Grant with maybe one or two exceptions is on my watch list. "Culturally Significant" stuff? Not so much.

However, we watched the original of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Mike had rented the new Keanu Reeves version and wanted to see the original. Strangely, I found it unopened downstairs, so we watched. It wasn't bad, but it made me want to see more Patricia Neal. She was in Hud which I put on hold at the library and it occurred to me I'd never seen any of Paul Newman's stuff. Ok, I saw Butch Cassidy when it came out (I think I was 4) and I saw Cars, which doesn't count.

Anyway, I put a few things on hold at the library, and we watched Cool Hand Luke tonight. It wasn't a fast paced movie...it was kind of languid and a little subtle. The breaking of Luke reminded me a lot of Jack Nicholson's character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Ok, so that movie didn't suck, but it wasn't as good as the book. This one may or may not be worth watching for you. George Kennedy won an Oscar, and that worked for me.

I'm glad I saw it. I'm not sure I'll love the other stuff I've got coming from the library, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Got anything I should see?

Isn’t it better to think nothing than to think something that’s completely idiotic?

Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin

For those of you who DON'T (are there any of you?), I've been a royal watcher since Diana and Charles got engaged. We won't even talk about the fact that all I wanted for prezzies for years were books about Diana. Or the plates. The boxes of plates that haven't been on my wall since we left our apartment 6 1/2 years ago. The plates I thought would only go up in value. No, not those Franklin Mint things...commemorative plates from England...weddings, births, anniversaries. The plate that "celebrated" Diana losing her HRH title. I've got some good stuff. I've got some REAL crap, too. Most of which is worth $.99 on eBay. Eh, I'll sell it off soon anyway. I've been saying THAT for a few years now.

Anyway, this is sort of a satire based on Charles and Diana, much in the vein of The Queen and I by Sue Townsend. I recommend ANYTHING by her. The couple is cast out of England and sent to reconquer the colonies.

I have to say, it DRAGS. It's 24 hours on disc and I'm less than half way through it. It took a quarter of the book for them to be expelled from England. But it's very funny in places and I like the story.

You wouldn't believe how much pent up rage the average Britney Spears fan has

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz

Interesting books, HILARIOUS one-liners. What happens when 5 normal college students wake up one morning with super powers? Most people's automatic reaction is "Cool!" This explores the idea that, well...not necessarily so cool. I'm about half way through the book, so I'll report later.

Damned Little White Pill

I take between 30 and 40 pills a day. Almost entirely supplements because of the reconfiguration of my gastrointestinal system a few years back. I put them all in a pill case so I can take them in the morning and the evening. The number of pills fluctuates based on dosages and prescriptions and whether or not I remembered to pick up Red Rice Yeast when it emptied.

Anyway, there's always an escapee. I take the 10 - 15 pills, toss them in my upturned mouth, and chase it down with the closest liquid. At least 2 out 3 handfuls has an escapee. If I'm lucky, it just heads for my shirt and gets lodged between...well it gets lodged, but it's easy to retrieve. But usually, it bounces off some part of my body and hits the floor. And I mean bounces.

It used to be one of the little green iron pills. Mike would find them any time he swept or vacuumed. Now, it's the little white pills. I was taking 4 each morning (two different prescriptions) and there were ALWAYS white pills hiding on the floor. Now, I'm down to one little white pill, but that's still the one that manages to escape. I can get down on my stomach and still not see it. I'm blind as a bat.

Strangely, pills are the only thing that the dogs don't seek and consume, which is awfully convenient given that I'd rather Lily chew on my cell phone case than one of my pills.

I will survive if only out of spite

So by my count, I've been sick 4 of the last 5 weeks. 3 of the last 5 weeks, I have not been at work I have been so sick. I wouldn't actually bother whining about this latest one but for 2 things.

1. I'd already been sick for 3 weeks and "well" for about one. That wasn't just ANY illness, that was bronchitis. I'm pretty sure my one and hopefully only kidney infection was more pleasant that bronchitis. It took me two weeks to feel well enough to wish for death. But I digress

2. This was a freakin' cold. A cold that laid me out for 6 days, and 8 days later still has my throat uncomfortable.

Has ANYONE seen my immune system? I'd like to bring it home and nurse it back to health. I have visions of it turning tricks on Aurora to get enough money for it's next hit of crack. I won't even do the Jewish mother thing of "do you KNOW how worried I've been?"

So, I apologize for my absence. When I have been working, I've been uninspired at best. I'm uninspired today, but that has to do with being up since 5 a.m. And Bert, I can't even blame you, which has me VERY cross.

I rarely find motive in bird vomit

Jack Hodgins on Bones

I like Bones. A lot. I didn't want to. Another thing I blame for which I blame my husband. The last few episodes have been getting funnier and funnier. This made me laugh, so I share.

I also share because I'm sick again and I'm not feeling particularly creative. Hopefully, it's a 48 hour bug. I'll get back with you.

Watch. Me. Faggots.

Dom DeLuise, 1933 - 2009

This is from Blazing Saddles, one of the finest movies out there. And this is Dom's finest line (he only has a few). I can't explain it, and if you don't know what I'm talking about (Justin), go rent the movie because your education is severely lacking.

Perhaps the only funnier thing I ever saw from Dom was in the outtakes from Smokey and the Bandit II, a terrible movie. Dom co-stars as "Doc" and there's an elephant involved. At one point, he's sitting on the back of the semi-trailer, and the elephant reaches around and pretty much grabs his crotch. I don't remember much else from that movie, but that scene is a classic.

Dom was a classic guy and unbeknownst to me, had a second career as a chef. Huh.

I hope we stop saying goodbye to funny people for a little while.

My Buttocks Itch

Tyronius Yvonne Baines, Spring Break 1988

I have been friends with Ty Baines since August of 1986 when we had English together at Choctaw High School. Ok, I'm not going to count how many years that is. Through thick and thin and not a few years of non-communication, he's one of those rare people that you can talk to after 5 years and it makes no difference.

I like to think that I have some of the funniest pictures of Ty in existence. And I like to think that I've been there for some of his most amusing moments. Like this one.

One night during Spring Break, Ty and TJ picked me up with what I remember to be a quite revolting Godfather's Pizza. Godfather's was between them and me and also between me and the beach. So it was a great plan not only to (a) forget to ask the cute girl of the party what SHE liked on her pizza but to (b) pick it up first so that it was appetizingly warm and um...yeah. We were 16.

So, we drive out to the Officer's Beach Club on Okaloosa Island. It wasn't exactly allowed, and the MPs could have sent us packing, but I don't think I ever got caught down there. We ate the pizza, or at least they did. I don't remember what on earth made Ty decide to take a running leap into the sand of the volleyball court, but he did. And it sand swimming was born.

If you can imagine a 6 and a half foot guy down in the sugar white sand of the Florida Panhandle, diving and doing the breaststroke, then flipping over for a little floating, well you've got what made the night so darned fun. But I'm not sure I'd have really remembered it save for the utterly DUH! moment that followed.

Around the time this picture was taken, Ty uttered, in a very pompous "British" accent that only a Lower Alabamian could pull off: "My Buttocks. Itch."

The good thing about these beaches? Yeah, the sand really is that white and than fine. The bad thing? It gets into all the spots powdery stuff THAT fine will get into when you don't want it to. And when you spend 10 minutes flailing around in it? Well, it's no wonder that to this day I like to quote this back to Ty.

I say this all because Cinco de Mayo is the 38th birthday of my dearest Tyronius. Which means I've known him for WELL over half my life. It finds him with an awesome wife, an adorable son, a kick ass job. Which is why I hope someone finally gets him some damned ointment!

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like Bea?

Bea Arthur, 1922 - 2009

Ok, let's see if I remember how to do this after a month.

Bea Arthur was one magnificent broad. Most of us know her from her stint on The Golden Girls in the 80s, as the wise-cracking Dorothy Zbornak. Many fewer of my particular generation know her as the outspoken Maude. MAYBE the freakin' network will release the whole series on DVD as a tribute?

If you've never heard Bea Arthur on the original Broadway soundtrack of Mame with Angela Lansbury, you're missing out.

As Sars says over at Tomato Nation, "at some point her name became synonymous with 'undesirable butch older woman.'" I DO remember that on a roast of Jerry Stiller, someone said of Sandra Bernhart "I wouldn't f*ck her with Bea Arthur's dick."

Anyway, I adored her. I wish she'd done more. I hope to watch Maude in it's entirety. And I wish I were well enough to do a post that did her justice. I'm getting there. May her memory be for a blessing.