When in doubt, stand still

The back of every issue of Vanity Fair features the "Proust Questionnaire". I'm sure I could look up what this alludes to, but whatever. The celeb in question is always asked a bunch of typical questions and a few oddball ones. Kind of like James Lipton at the end of the Actor's Studio.

The March issue's Proust Questionaire featured Julie Andrews. A classy dame if there ever was one. This was her answer to "What is your motto?" That's what I'm going to strive to learn right now.

The other answer I really liked was to the the question "What do you consider the most overrated virtue?". Her answer? "Chastity" From Mary-Freakin-Poppins. The universe has a sense of humor.

Like charity, schizophrenia begins at home

Source: Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady by Florence King

The reality is that if you're not southern, you won't get a lot of this. You might find it amusing and odd, but not gutbustingly funny. If you're a southerner? You should read this.

Go with god. Schmuck.

Source: Soylent Green

I picked this up in Scarecrow Video's RIP Charlton Heston section. Of course, I had to ask "What's that movie with the line 'Soylent Green is People?'" Duh. We just finished 12 Monkeys (because I'm trying to figure out why Brad Pitt is so rich and famous, but that's an entirely different subject). It's a good movie, post-apocalyptic and all. So, I thought we'd pick up a 35-year-old version of how it all goes horribly wrong.

We haven't watched much, but for 1973, it's eerie. Greenhouse effect and global warming being bandied about? In a Charlton Heston movie? I can't wait to finish. Anyway, Charlton's sidekick says this to him. It's beautiful.

Olympia is a hell of a place to leave my car

Mike and I had a lovely get away in Westport this weekend. On the "Cranberry Coast" of Washington. Who knew we had one? Anyway, we left Westport at around 9 a.m. this morning for the ~130 mile trip home.

All was well until about 3 miles outside of Aberdeen when my radiator light came on. So, I pulled over, Mike and I poured over the MOST unhelpful manual and poked around the engine. Considering that the engine is approximatly 1 cubic foot, there isn't a lot of room to see anything. Oh, and nothing is marked in the engine OR in the manual. We did manage to find a fuse that was unhappy, though it could power the Vegas Strip for all I know. So we limped along to Aberdeen with only 3 more stops on the side of the road when my emissions light came on. You know "Check Engine" is not a useful title for ANY light. Yep, we just checked, I still have one. For now. Which planet does that logically translate to "You have an emmissions issue" and when did that become something that would keep me from driving?!? So, I kill off a few more, um, well, hell what DO my emmissions kill off? At least I'm not stranded in Aberdeen.

Anyway, we found breakfast (whew), but not a single service department open on Memorial Day. Aberdeen Honda DID offer to sell me a new car. At Schucks, when Mike pried the fuse from the fuse box (it was kinda melted in) and we showed it to the guy at the parts desk, he posited that we had the wrong size fuse. When Mike pointed out that it was a factory fuse, he looked really sorry for us. We replaced the fuse, no joy. Made it to Starbucks (my first in TWO AND A HALF DAYS which NARROWLY averted mass murder) and my coolant was boiling. Neat! After calling my roadside assistance, waiting an hour for the tow truck, riding with the really nice driver to Olympia, we met up with Ron (THANK YOU, RON) who delivered us to our door 7 hours after we set out.

Anyway, my car is waiting for the service department to open up in the morning. It will either cost me $100 or $1000. That's if it's one problem. If it truly IS a problem with two different systems (the coolant system AND the emmissions system), each will cost me either $100 or $1000. THEN I will have to track down a live chicken to do the exorcism of the demon which has obviously taken over my beloved car, which at the end of the day is the real pain in the neck, for me AND the chicken. Wish me luck.

UPDATE: Well, I nailed it. Dead water pump + french fried fuse box = $1035 + tax. The good news is that my AC hasn't been blowing cold (not the world's biggest deal here in the PNW), but that's been fixed by the water pump issue. And for a few dollars more (included in the $1035), my timing belt and actuator have been replaced. Apparently those are in the same spot as the water pump, and allow the car to get me to the church on time and still feel self-actualized.

9 Chickweed Lane Quotes

There will always be new screen names from 9 Chickweed Lane and new Stephanie Plum novels, but here's what I have in the backlog.


I plunder graves for footwear
Published June, 22, 2007



Just continue doing that until your joints stop popping.
Published August 9, 2007
Good advice on how to wear "that" dress.



I like an efficient wedding
Paraphrase of cartoon published October 29, 2007





I can't believe what I just promised a total stranger
Published October 9, 2006

Monster Ballads and the Stations of the Cross

Source: Monster Ballads by Josh Ritter
Josh Ritter rocks. And I cannot believe that I did not send him with Cannoli on the road. Because then I would be able to send a text telling him it was time to find this song. Because Lee Marvin would approve.

There ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box...

Source: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad, Meat Loaf
Meat Loaf knows what is and isn't at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box. Ok, I don't know if Jim Steinman does (he wrote the song), but it's a great lyric. Bat Out of Hell has many great lyrics. In fact, it has my favorite lyric in all of rock music. Maybe I'll tell you.

Refuah Shlemah, Senator Kennedy

Refuah shlemah is the Jewish request for healing. Whatever your politics, Edward Kennedy has devoted his life to public service and to doing what he understands to be right. Few survive in public office without a sincere belief in what they're doing, even if half the people in the country think they are raving idiots. There are exceptions, certainly.

Those who believe their opponents are idiots simply because they look at the same set of facts and draw a different conclusion make a dangerous assumption. The wise ones know differently. In the days of true statesmanship, this was often a given. Sadly, this is no longer the case.

Anyway, may G-d grant Senator Kennedy and his family the strength to face the trying days ahead.

There's a reason why people don't stay who they are...

Source: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough, Patty Smyth and Don Henley
This is actually kind of the way daily screen names started. I used song lyrics (ok, from the Monkees and Jimmy Buffett, but mostly the Monkees) usually from the whole song, a line each day.

Multi-tasking at it's best

It's all Cannoli the Barbarian's fault. He went on a road trip, I made him a road trip CD, and of course, I decided to finish organizing our 11-15,000 mp3s. I haven't figured out how many dupes there are, etc. Well, they're all on a portable drive and Mike's using that on his computer. So, until he's done, I'll put in some archives. I thought he'd be putting something on for us to watch, thus the title. I guess it's only tasking. I still blame Cannoli.



If you won’t leave me, I’ll find someone who will
Source: Warren Zevon
Ok, I don't know more than that. It was in a Carl Hiaasen book I read (I think it was Basketcase). I could Google it, but I'll let you.




Statistically unlikely to expire on a toilet
Source: Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen
I can't remember why the main character is coming up with ways he might die (see sniper comment below). Even if any of us ARE even statistically capable of dying on the toilet, no one's going to hear about it, so what's the point?


Energy & Ennui
Source: Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen
I think this was a description of an old coot who was about to screw someone out of bazillions of dollars when he kicked the bucket. See also below.



Too obscure to attract a competent sniper
Source: Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen




Feisty & Incontinent
Source: Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen
Seriously, if you're going to be incontinent, be bold about it. Take it to the streets. Share the love.

Have you gone and lost your mind?

Source: One Lonely Night, REO Speedwagon
Cause? Neil the Bastard. Neil borrowed Mike's truck last week, so Mike drove my car to work and I drove the Bastard Mobile. What a piece of...um...work for $800. Not ever having used an aftermarket radio, I couldn't identify a CD player and Neil wasn't answering his phone. So, I did what any too-cute-for-words Deb on the first summery day in Seattle would do, I went and found a mix tape from college. Because Debi? Happy Tape Queen. Anyway, at some point, here comes Kevin Cronin asking if you've completely lost your mind, because she's SUCH a good find (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

I saw REO Speedwagon in concert sometime in the early 90s. The Sundome at USF is (was?) a basketball dome, so you could walk right past the stage "on your way to the bathroom". Kevin Cronin is skinnier than some 2nd graders I've seen. And he was wearing chaps. Frankly, I didn't know they MADE chaps that small.

No need to thank me. This trip to THERE sponsored by...um...Monday?

Is a brighter discontent the best that I can hope for?

Source: Brighter Disconentent by The Submarines

Feeling a bit melancholy...I think it's that cement cannoli working its way through what the antibiotics left of my digestive system.

It's official, I'm snorting Bacitracin!

Ok, it's really bactroban, but that's just because it disolves better in my "needy" pot twice a day. The pharmacist taking the call from my doctor's office has apparently never heard of a neti pot. I have all the symptoms of another sinus infection are back, but I REALLY do not want to start another round of systemic antibiotics. They kick my ass by making me unfathomably tired. And I FINALLY have some damned energy. The only place there IS bacteria in my system, good OR bad, is in my sinuses. So, we'll see if irrigating with Celtic Sea Salt and bactroban twice a day does anything.

In other news, I'm pretty sure the only good Whole Foods cannoli is a half-eaten Whole Foods cannoli. I'm not sure they're suppose to have the outter texture of melba toast.

Cannoli shouldn't drive around the country

Cannoli the Barbarian leaves for a month on the road tomorrow. At least he is going to send me H&H bagels via FedEx. It's the least he can do. Remember, one should never, ever change the radio while driving in Minnesota. It's a bad thing to do.

Circumcircle

Who says spam has nothing to teach us? I had no idea that "circumcircle" was a word until it showed up as the subject of spam in my box this morning. Thinking it was an amusing word, I googled for an appropriate image only to find it's a geometrical term. Huh. Ain't THAT a kick in the pants? I do think it would have been funnier if it had been "circumscicle". Did you hear the one about the retiring moyel?

Never try to teach a pig to sing...

...it gets you dirty and annoys the pig.
Yeah, I've been trying to teach a pig to sing. No, that's not fair. Pigs are lovely, intelligent animals. By all reports, they are known to be quite the obstinate animals with large personalities (not just large asses). In other words, should I know any of them, I would probably like them a lot. So, trying to teach a pig to sing probably amuses said pig more than anything. I so love those of any species who sit back and laugh at dumb ideas.

No, I've been trying to bring a {bleep} to reality. And I should know better. Were I not busy taking said {bleep} actions personally. I should know better. Ego anyone? Moi?

Anyway, click here to see my current desktop picture. I hope this will serve as a frequent reminder that it's not worth it. I'm far less funny when I turn into a screaming harpy...unless I've been drinking. Perhaps I should be drinking more heavily? Miles? Bastard Neil? Friggin' road trippers.

Is Becoming a Hypocrite such a Terrible Thing?

Source: A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz
Aren't all the cool kids doing it?

I don't want to be anywhere near his seal of approval

Source: Miles' comment on the Bastard Neil

I would have posted the following, but it's neither politic (in this case it could matter) nor short enough for a screen name:
HOW DO YOU GET THAT UNFATHOMABLY, AGRESSIVELY, ANNOYINGLY AND TIME-CONSUMINGLY STUPID?!? We can all be one of those adjectives ! Agressive. Annoying. Unfathomable. Time consuming. I've even been known to play STUPID on TV from time to time. But that {sadly, funny identifing adjective/noun phrase removed} manages such an amazing simultaneous array.

Vice President of Backtalk

Source: Dharma and Greg

Existentially Unambiguous

Source: Serge's take on the turtle in Atomic Lobster by Tim Dorsey
Bored with your everyday linear novel? Need Carl Hiaasen on a speedball? Check out some Tim Dorsey. Savant-like attention to Florida detail, strings of deserving dead people, and as far as I can tell so far, horny grandmas in this one.

If you don't like poetry, don't bother to befriend me

Source: apparently, infantile cranial impact
I haven't actually gotten around to updating my screen name today between driving to work, getting a new BlackBerry brick to replace the PocketPC brick I used to have, yada, yada, yada. My dear friend, Debo, has a running quote as her screen name of late, so I Googled it. Turns out it is W.H. Auden's "O Where are you going?" I love Debo, but so far, this is not blog-worthy material.

On the bottom of the page where I found the poem I ran across the phrase, "If you don't like poetry, don't bother to befriend me". In the words of a former roommate, "Your WHAT hurts?" It's a gardening store/catalog site. It's full of poems. I googled the phrase...that's the only place it shows up. It's not the best of designed site, but there's not a blink tag in use or an LOL to be found. I think he/she/they/it might honestly mean it.

As much as this rankles me, it's actually a public service. I don't dislike poetry, though I haven't the attention span to appreciate most of it. And face it, most of what I wrote in high school WAS crap. But if all I have to do is to PRETEND to dislike it to scare of a pretentious twit like you? Why can't EVERYTHING be this easy???

The past isn't always...

There's no such thing as no regrets
Source: Almost Home, Mary Chapin Carpenter
These words keep me going when I look back, want to go there and fix it all. Damn, I could make a whole CD of these songs...I should look, I think I might have.


That’s just a lot of water underneath a bridge I burned
Source: The Song Remembers When, Trisha Yearwood
I guess we all have those we look back on and wonder why, even if it was "Why the F*CK?"



Missing you is just a part of living
Missing You, Amy Grant





Of all my demon spirits, I need you the most
Ghost, Indigo Girls





Freedom’s Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose
Me & Bobby McGee

Does evolution have a Machiavellian streak?

Source: A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz
In yet another surprise for those who think I know it all (especially me), I've never read Machiavelli. I get the context and all, but I never had much use for history, being such a binary thinker my whole life...now, I'm starting to think I'm missing a few things in my education. There's that attention span thing to worry about, though.

Weekend Edition

I don’t have to be helpful, I have tenure.
Source: Paraphrase of Hector Elizondo as Dr. Dalton Milgate in The West Wing, Dead Irish Writers episode.





You’re going to strain a frontal lobe.
Source: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay




Yes, I’ve achieved true enlightenment…and it smell faintly of denim
Source: 9 Chickwood Lane, May 13, 2007



This, like avocado appliances, will have seemed like a good idea at the time
Source: Debi's dear friend Ron on some aspect of a wedding Debi debi attended




Agnes, we’re starting a shrine
Source: Running with Scissors
It was in the book and in the movie. It's funny in the book. It's a spectacle in the movie.

First Lesson in Life: You are Not the Wall

Source: A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz
This is a long first novel by contemporary standards at almost 600 pages. I'm up to page 70ish. I have no idea what the book is about, but I'm laughing out loud at the lines. It's the memoior of a man whose father is the most loathed man in all of Australian and whose uncle (a famous outlaw) is the biggest hero. It's insanity. I've got three more quotes already. Stay tuned.